While adapting to all of the changes that come when parents split, the last thing a child needs is to be put in the middle of the dispute. Parents should always strive to insulate their children from the tensions common to separation and divorce. Yet far too many parents take the opposite approach by discussing their frustrations with their child. In the extreme, some parents attempt to damage or undermine the child's relationship with the other parent. When those efforts prove successful in driving a wedge between child and parent without reasonable justification, the perpetrator has engaged in a process known as parental alienation.
Defining Parental Alienation
Because parental alienation manifests in many different ways across many different families, it is difficult to pin the concept down to one universal definition. At its most basic level, parental alienation occurs when a child rejects one parent due to manipulation by the other.
Some define parental alienation by focusing on the offending parent's efforts. According to this understanding, parental alienation exists where one parent engages in behaviors which serve to interfere with the relationship between the other parent and their child without legitimate justification. Examples of such behaviors include spewing vitriol toward the other parent in front of the child, making false accusations against the other parent, preventing the child from spending time with the other parent, or punishing the child for maintaining a relationship with the other parent.
Others place more emphasis on the child's state of mind by looking to whether the child has developed a strong preference for one parent at the expense of the other. Where this preference becomes so strong that the child refuses to have contact with one parent for no apparent reason or for reasons that are not legitimate, parental alienation has likely occurred.
Regardless of the particular approach to defining the concept, the most important feature of parental alienation is that no legitimate justification exists for the divide between parent and child. Unfortunately, some children develop negative feelings toward a parent for legitimate reasons such as domestic violence or sexual abuse. In those instances, the fault lies with the estranged parent. By contrast, in instances of parental alienation, the child's strong negative feelings toward the alienated parent are typically grounded in (1) false or exaggerated information that the child gathered secondhand from the alienating parent rather than through his or her own experiences, and/or (2) the alienating parent's deliberate strategies to create distance between parent and child, such as refusing to allow the child to keep photos of the alienated parent in their bedroom or punishing the child for speaking about the alienated parent affectionately. Thus, parental alienation exists only where one parent has manipulated the child to the detriment of the other without cause.
Effect of Parental Alienation
When one parent engages in parental alienation, the principal effect is the deterioration of the relationship between the child and the other parent. The child may speak negatively about or even express hatred toward the alienated parent while indicating total loyalty to the alienating parent. It is common for children suffering from parental alienation to refuse to spend time with the alienated parent altogether.
However, the negative consequences of parental alienation are not limited to the relationship between parent and child. By engaging in this pattern of behavior, a parent can drastically impact their child's mental health and well-being. While the symptoms may be somewhat dependent upon the specific circumstances, parental alienation can induce feelings of guilt and anxiety while making it difficult for the child to maintain a positive self-image. It has also been linked to struggles with depression, substance abuse, and post-traumatic stress disorder.
Combating Parental Alienation in NC
The best cure for parental alienation is for the child to spend more time with the alienated parent. That said, accomplishing this task obviously becomes complicated when the alienated parent is limited to a certain amount of time with the child under a custodial order or cannot convince the alienating parent to allow him or her to have access to the child. Litigation to establish or modify custody may prove to be the alienated parent's only option.
If you suspect that your child is being subjected to parental alienation during custodial periods with the other parent, you should immediately begin documenting everything. Take screenshots of any texts or emails which indicate that your child is developing negative feelings toward you as a result of the other parent's manipulation. Ask around to see whether your ex-spouse has been denigrating you to other third parties such as family members, co-workers, or friends. Review the other parent's social media profiles and record any instances in which he or she has publicly criticized you. Because allegations of parental alienation often turn into "he said, she said" disputes, objective evidence that the alienating parent is manipulating the child's perception of you is key.
While some states expressly instruct their courts by statute to consider each parent's ability to encourage a positive relationship between the child and the other parent as a relevant factor in custody disputes, North Carolina does not take this approach. However, this is not to say that evidence of parental alienation is irrelevant under North Carolina law.
In drafting North Carolina's child custody statute, the legislature identified the encouragement of "each parent to establish and maintain a healthy relationship with the other parent when such is determined to be in the best interest of the child" as one of its purposes. N.C. Gen. Stat. § 50-13.01(5). This provision signals the expectation under North Carolina law that parents will foster positive relationships between their children and the other parent.
In litigation over child custody, a party may offer evidence of parental alienation by the other parent. If the court finds that parental alienation has occurred and that it has had a negative impact on the child, the court may consider those findings in making its final determination as to physical and legal custody. Parental alienation can ultimately compel a judge to reduce or eliminate the alienating parent's custodial privileges. For this reason, North Carolina parents should (1) always ensure that their behavior encourages rather than inhibits a positive relationship between their children and the other parent; and (2) meticulously document any evidence that the other parent is engaging in parental alienation.
Conclusion
While parental alienation is among the most challenging aspects of co-parenting, you need not face it alone. Ward and Smith's experienced family law attorneys have seen countless instances of parental alienation and can counsel you through strategies and legal options to re-establish a positive relationship between you and your child.
